Yummy Delicious Horse Meat

During Obama’s free trade address, he talked broadly of a free trade deal with Europe. Both countries, besides Germany, don’t really make anything anymore, so I don’t understand what that will accomplish.  But, I do pray that such a deal happens.  We in Europe are under a blanket of fear.  Somebody killed and ground up Mr. Ed.  The horse meat scandal is reaching a fevered pitch here. One food company, Findus, (ha. Find-Us. ) found that 100% of there all beef lasagna’s was more like 20% beef, 80% horsemeat. Whoops. Somebody has to repeat Kindergarden. In fact, it’s the Romanian Barber of Fleet Street. Findus was buying there product from a French company called Cormel, who in turn was buying it from a Romanian butchery.  The meat game of musical chairs has left those fortunate few with the taste of horse in their mouths. 

Honestly, in most parts of Europe they don’t mind a bit of Philly. But in the UK  (where they have used horses to kill Foxes and other animals for hundreds of years) it’s the worst thing since the Beatles broke up.  Now the British Parliament is screaming for investigations.  Lynchings may be brought back. A reinstatement of the rack as corporal punishment is possible. The Tower may be closed as a museum and re-opened for its “true” purpose. These ideas are being met in the House of Lords with hearty cheers and golf claps.  Pretty soon the BBC will somehow be blamed for everything. Meetings about possible investigations will air live on BBC 1,2,3,4,5, with consequent replays every hour, and live updates every 20 minutes, followed by the weather in Mongolia. There, the horse tribes of Gengas Khan still run around shooting arrows at each other, which is OK because they love horses. 

High off the fumes of the Olympic flame and the old bags Birthday, the little island that used to be are ready to rebuild the empire.  An invasion of Romania is completely possible.  After hundreds of more meetings, and thousands of hours of public tribunals with B-List celebrities like David Beckham, Elton John will be nationalized and forced to sing “A Candle in the Wind” forever.   The war drums will again resonate from Whitehall to the Isle of White.  The Generals, who forgot why they actually wore a uniform, will methodically assemble in top secret locations to prepare the invasion plan. These top secret meetings over division placement and pincer movement will of course all be available online within minutes. No need for phone hacking here.

After days of cucumber sandwiches and tea with milk, David Cameron will call President Obama to ask if it is “OK” to invade Romania. Of course he will say no, and after some pouting, Cameron will go live on BBC 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.  He will proclaim to the British people that “NATO” and the world need to bring an end to the tyranny of Romanian horsemeat.  That this Libyan like crisis needs to be met with the shield and sword of world opinion.  That Rolls Royce engines are being used in most of the fighter aircraft ready to bomb Romania, and that everyone should stay tuned for a special Horse Meat concert performed by Robbie Williams.  The Queen will take to her royal barge and float down the Thames to the English Channel.  Prince Phillip will simultaneously ride out naked from Buckingham Palace, galloping along the banks of the Thames in some sick show of solidarity.  The British people will all get completely drunk and wave there flags proudly as Phillips raisin-like textured skin flashes before there moist eyes. 

When all is said and done, after 100 days of fireworks, and a few more barge trips by the Queen, the Horse Meat War that wasn’t   will culminate with a live broadcast of the Elton John’s funeral. Worked to death after nationalization, the public will cry out for justice.  Meetings will begin in earnest. Parliament will hold special meetings about who should be involved in those meetings. Subsequent meetings will be held about when those meetings should take place. All of the meetings will be broadcast online and live via the BBC. Elton’s funeral broadcast will be a hot topic of debate. Rupert Murdoch will swoop in to buy the exclusive airing rights for 2 billion pounds. More meetings will be held. A trial will be held live in Trafalgar Square, by 14 wigged judges. Led by Simon Cowell, they will find the BBC guilty of 37 different charges.   A hologram of Elton will be constructed by the same people who brought Tupac back to life at Coachella. And as the last note of Rocket Man airs out over London, Elton’s hologram will be seen by the masses of punters riding on a beautiful black thoroughbred. Monty Python will then air for 100 straight days on BBC 4, 5 and 6 and Romania will be safe to carve up horses again.  The future has never looked so bright.