Where is the light switch? Oh that’s right, it’s located on the outside of the room. It would be too easy to have it located on the inside. Since this is Germany, there has to be a process to entering a room. First, one must turn on the light to the room one is entering. Next, the door must be closed. Then, simply enjoy. But, what if one wants to turn off the light, say to go to sleep without having to open the door? That’s a great question, and one where the process to turn off the light begins. First, one must open the door. Next, the light must be turned off. Thirdly, sleep can resume. But, what if I am sleepy from a long hard day, want to stay in bed and turn off the light which presumably most people in civilized cultures would like nothing more than to do? Move to America! So many times I’ll be in the room, close the door and….DOOH!! After the 12th time in a single day, I usually just sit in the dark.
It’s these seemingly little differences that accumulate up to create this alien world known as Germany. Sundays, businesses are shut down, but the powers that be don’t stop there. They even shut off the traffic lights around the mall areas to save energy! In a restaurant, any restaurant, you have to pay for water. The bus boy coming around with a big jug of unlimited tap water anytime your glass is empty is not happening. Beef is expensive, way more expensive than in the states. A thick juicy steak with some veggies is going to cost you a week’s salary. But if you want some pig, here’s a dump truck full for 3 euro! The refrigerators are smaller, for energy efficiency and because people don’t “Costco” shop. They purchase a few items for a couple of days, not for next year’s Christmas Eve Party. Many apartments don’t come with kitchens. You have to buy them! Cabinets, refrigerator, dish washer, sink, the works. When you do get that place, 3 months deposit is required instead of 2. Untrusting bastards. The first floor is really the second floor. A two-bedroom is really a ONE bedroom. To open a door, you pull, not push. To get off the subway, you have to push a button to open the door! The German engineers have built a microwave that has somehow harnessed the power of the sun. They are incredibly strong! All German’s stare. They love it! Hint for tourists*; reciprocate by crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out to the side to make them stop. Instead of paper towels, the bathrooms have this self cleaning towel roller thing! That’s where I get off the Save the Trees train. Can a brother get some paper towels please! Serving size is smaller, even at the supermarket. Quality over quantity I guess. Book stores are still thriving….for now. Starlight Express the musical is STILL going on here! Do u want to know where the American pop star goes when they die??? They come here with the same song and talk to some guy named David Guetta. REMIX!!!!. The mighty McDonalds has even identified these differences enough to market to them. They’ve decided that Germans will buy even more burgers with sausages on them. Not one, but 3 sausages on them! http://www.werbejunkie.de/mcdonalds-huettengaudi-teil-3-mit-camenbert-chicken-und-schuhbecks-feines-zweierlei/
And then, there is the language. I’d like to go back in time and kill the Roman who decided 2000 years ago that Latin wasn’t hard enough. That it would be much easier if certain things were referred to as der, others as die and what’s left over as das. This bastard is laughing is ass off at those of us who are know paying are hard earned money to learn this disaster. How dare he randomly fuck with people like that? If only I could invent a time machine, and make him suffer. How you like my DER in your eye bitch! It’s not the fact that these pronouns exist. This isn’t an arrogant American pleading with the Germanic speaking world to “get it right’ and just speak English. I in fact love the distinctness of a place and want to firebomb McDonald’s as much as anyone else. It’s the randomness of there being. There is no method. A table is der, but a lamp is die? For one to even place masculinity in a table is retarded.
I believe that one day soon, all of these differences will fade away and I will see the Christ Child’s light. That just over the horizon, my shoulder will be clear of bruising from trying to push through the door. That my hands will finally be dry after washing them in the bathroom, and using the nasty towel rolling device. That der, die, and das will become drinking buddies of mine. That the train won’t leave without me getting off because I pushed the button. That love for sausage will conquer my addiction to steak. That a kitchen will be seen as just a room, that you have to pay to fill. That I can one day proudly say I have assimilated and am truly home.
No comments:
Post a Comment